I Suck At Celebrating My Son's Birthday

Yesterday was my son's (Braden) first birthday. Happy birthday Braden! Please don't forget that daddy will always love you!

It probably goes without saying that my life drastically changed one year ago. It remains to be seen whether my change has been for the better or for the worse. After all, some days I seem great. Other days, I am a total wreck who gets teary eyed at the drop of a hat.

Previous to last year, I was pretty much happy go-lucky without a care in the world. Things were going great in my life. I had a new job that I was excited about. My wife, Karen, and I were expecting our first child in Braden. We were doing the normal pregnancy things that couples do when they expect their first child... like registering for a baby shower, taking pictures of Karen's belly, etc.

I guess Braden was eager to meet his parents, because he surprised everyone when he was born prematurely... extremely prematurely. I remember his birth well. Karen was absolutely terrified. As she clutched my hand, she pushed with all her might and then out came Braden.

Well, technically a lot of other things came out too. I remember thinking at the time that it was odd that the doctor had a face shield on. I was thinking "What is that for?"... and then I found out the answer.

I think it's true what they say, that once you see your newborn baby... you absolutely fall in love all over again. Your heart simply melts with joy and excitement. I know I did with Braden. Karen did as well.

Unfortunately, not every story has a happy ending. Because Braden was born extremely premature, his chances of survival were pretty slim. His body was simply underdeveloped. Karen and I hoped for a miracle, but it was just not to be. Braden passed away after putting up a good week-long fight.

It's hard to believe that was one year ago. The moment seems like yesterday. Yet at the same time, the year seems like it has been endless. I realize those statements make no logical sense. For me, not a lot makes sense any more. I sometimes wonder if things ever will make sense again in my mind.

The only thing that I am certain of is that I love Braden. I wish I could celebrate my son's birthday like any normal father... but I suck at celebrating my son's birthday. Instead of buying my son presents, I can only imagine what if.

Heck, I cannot even do something asinine like update a Facebook status to tell everyone in the world what my son is doing, because I do not know what he is doing... not that other people would really care what my son is doing.

Needless to say, Karen and I celebrated Braden's birthday at the cemetery. We brought him a little Elmo "Happy Birthday" balloon and some ice cream. I know it's not much. I just hope he enjoyed it.

Anyway, happy birthday Braden, my little B! Daddy misses you and will always love you. Please do not forget that.