I Suck At Father's Day

yesterday was the commercial holiday known as father's day. (and here is my sarcastic "yay": yay.)

for anyone curious, karen and i lost our son (braden) in september of last year. braden was born prematurely and only lived for a week. i still remember his cute angelic little face. truth be told, the nurses said braden had my charming debonair good looks... one fact that always seems to make me smile.

anyway, it was actually very nice to receive some sentiments from my friends for father's day. so thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and wishes. i really had appreciated the support.

surprisingly, father's day was not as bad as i had thought it would be. the days leading up to father's day were worse because i had visions that i was just going to have a meltdown. okay, sure, i may have had one meltdown earlier in the morning. i had gotten a very touching card from karen... and we had visited the cemetery. it was very nice. interestingly enough, i'm tearing as i write this paragraph.

sometimes i think that my fear of forgetting my son is coming true... and it kills me. the other day, i was talking with someone who i had not seen in quite some time. as with the usual conversation piece of getting reacquainted, there is the question about "do you have any kids?" when i was asked that question, i said no without even thinking.

quickly realizing my mistake, i actually explained that i had lost braden. i was actually upset with myself for part of the night because i felt like i had let braden down... like i had denied his existence... and that pains me.

i think for me, i am still trying to wrap my head around the feeling i have about being a father... yet, not having a living breathing son. in the technical sense, yes i have a son. his name is braden and he was born september 5, 2009. in the sense when people generally ask about "do you have kids?", no i do not have a son because he is no longer living... having passed away a week after birth. it's one of those things i struggle with: do i tell people what they want to hear or do i tell people the truth?

i know... it's odd that i even have this dilemma because i am generally unfiltered in what i say. after all, i didn't get my "instigator" reputation for saying what people want to hear.

anyway, the actual day of father's day was actually not as bad as i expected it to be. the day started off with a visit to my parents... so that i could celebrate father's day with my father... and then a visit to karen's parents. my favorite sister-in-law (janine), my favorite brother-in-law (pj), my niece (kaleigh), and my nephew (pj) were also there.

apparently, kaleigh and pj had watched the movie "ghostbusters" that day. they loved the movie... drawing pictures of slimer. the pictures were interesting.

karen and i ended father's day hanging out with my bff (kerry). kerry happened to be in the neighborhood. so we watched a few more episodes of veronica mars. it was a good way to end the day.