I Suck Reliving The Past

Today started off with what could best be described as stress.

For the most part, Karen and I have the same routine in the morning: Karen wakes up. She takes a shower. She gets ready for work. Meanwhile, I usually pull the covers over my head and try to sleep in a little longer. Eventually, I make it out of bed.

This morning things were a little different because Karen noticed some blood while in the bathroom. Blood is never a good sign. Blood while pregnant... definitely not a good sign. Needless to say, we went to the hospital to check things out.

The entire morning was eerily reminiscent of the premature birth of our son (Braden). About a year and several months ago, Karen was 23 weeks pregnant. She woke up one morning and noticed blood. We went to the hospital. Early the next day, Braden was born. Unfortunately, Braden was only able to survive for a week.

For me, that week was definitely a life-changer. Ever since Braden's passing, nothing has really been "normal". In fact, it seems like I've been trying to define a new "normal". It's almost as though you gain some clarity into appreciating the relationships you have in life and the world.

Regardless, this morning was almost like reliving the past. Unfortunately, I suck at reliving the past. Truth be told, everything this morning was freakishly similar to the situation with Braden: there was the blood in the morning; Karen is 24 weeks pregnant; we ended up in the same exam room at the hospital...

Needless to say, we were both a little worried and stressed. It didn't help that it seemed like we waited forever for the doctor to finally come examine Karen. The not-knowing was definitely hard to take.

And I may not have said it in the past, but I do have a new found appreciation for what women have to go through on an annual basis. When you see the size and shape of the speculum, you just have to be amazed that something like that can be inserted. Based on looks alone, it must be uncomfortable. Heck, I know I wouldn't want something like that inserted into me.

Anyway, as it turned out, everything looked okay to the doctor. It was a relief to hear that. I am hoping with the mightiest of mights that the doctor is correct in her diagnosis. Truthfully, I'm not sure I can handle another extreme premature birth and possible death again of my child.

As crazy as it sounds, I remember getting angry with God again... a God that I don't even believe in... during our long wait for the doctor to come in. A lot of things go through your head while you wait without answers. For me, it was "you're not taking this one. not this time..." I realize there is nothing I can actually do to prevent it, but it felt good to think it at the time.

Hopefully, things will turn out okay for my little Corny. Corny is the temporary name I have given our unborn child because during week 24, the child is the size of an ear of corn. I had thought of Cornish, but that was too much like a hen. There was also Cornelius, but that sounded awful. So Corny it was.

Regardless, one of pleasant surprises that resulted from this morning was that the social worker from South Shore Hospital called later in the day to see how we were both doing. It was a touching gesture and one that made me smile. The social worker knew us when Braden was born and passed. For her to even remember Karen and I must mean that we are doing something right in this world. After all, people we hardly know think about us. Needless to say, it was a nice surprise.

Anyway, Karen was told to rest the entire day. And so she did. She appears to be doing well, albeit a little bored. We actually ended up watching "Angels & Demons", which was the next movie in her Netflix queue.

(The video below is a trailer for "Angels & Demons".)


The movie was good. Tom Hanks looked much better without the long hair. What was he thinking for the DaVinci Code? In case you are curious, "Angels & Demons" is about Robert Langdon's (played by Tom Hanks) quest to unravel a plot to destroy the Vatican.

Truth be told, I actually liked the story of Angels & Demons better than the DaVinci Code. I'd be curious to see what the Lost Symbol (the third Robert Langdon book) is about. Interestingly enough, the Lost Symbol is currently the only novel by Dan Brown that I have not read yet. (Dan Brown's other novels beside the Robert Landon ones are Digital Fortress and Deception Point.) I might have to check that book out some day.

Anyway, the movie was a good way to unwind from today's stress.