I Suck At Remember My Son

Two years ago on Sunday, my son (Braden) passed away. He was born extremely premature and only survived for a week. To watch Braden fight so hard for that one week after he was born only to pass away in the end has been extremely hard to endure. As strange as this is going to sound, it was the greatest week and the worst week all at the same time.

I don't know if I am or ever will be fully healed from the grief. After all, I still break down and cry every now and then. My tears are not as often as before, probably because most of the time I am now distracted by having to take care of our baby daughter (Briana). Nevertheless, the pain still hurts like it did back then.

Needless to say, I suck at remembering my son. I was not much in the mood to see people on Sunday. Unfortunately, Karen had already made plans to have her parents and her sister (and her sister's family) to come over. The previous week on Braden's birthday, Karen had learned that Sunday was the pseudo-holiday known as grandparents day. Consequently, the local church was going to do something to honor grandparents.

Thinking that her mother would be thrilled with the idea, Karen invited her parents to church for grandparents day, followed by a family lunch at our place whereby my favorite sister-in-law (Janine) and her family would also stop on by. And as luck would have it, I had just cleaned the house the day before.

Anyway, while Karen, our baby daughter (Briana), and Karen's parents attended church for the grandparents day mass, I decided to go out for a little run. This will sound strange, but I have missed running. Granted, I never liked distance running and to some extent I still do not. I do, however, enjoy the feeling of clarity after having run a considerable distance.

Naturally, I did not run that far on Sunday. I was only able to run a mile. I guess it's good that I am still able to run a mile with no problem. These days I don't run as much as I used to in part because I really don't have much time to go out for a little jaunt within the course of a given day.

The run actually felt pretty good on Sunday. I got to think about Braden a lot during the run. It was almost like it was just him and me out there. Of course, even with the cloudy day I wore my sunglasses during the run in the event I should happen to break down in tears. After all, no one will be able to tell if I do cry if I have them on. The sunglasses are dark enough and reflect too much light to allow people to see my eyes.

And in what can be classified as a "people will believe what they want to believe" incident, I think Braden may have been watching over me for a little part of the run. While I was running, rain started to sprinkle down upon me. Since running in the rain is never fun, I muttered a little prayer to Braden, asking him to stop the rain while I run. The next thing I know, the sprinkles stopped. It was weird.

Sure, the stoppage of sprinkling rain is probably due to the clouds simply moving out of range overhead, but it's a nice feeling to believe that your little one is watching over you and hearing every word you say. So thanks Little B! I really did not want to get wet. And if you are listening Braden, Daddy still loves you and will never forget you.

Anyway, following the run I went to the cemetery to visit Braden and to reflect some more. Joining me shortly thereafter were Karen, Briana, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law. And from there, we headed back to our house for lunch because Janine and her family were also coming over.

All in all, the day turned out to be an enjoyable day to spend with family.