I Suck At Mother's Day

yesterday was mother's day. happy belated mother's day. now, i suck at mother's day. it turns out that mother's day originated to honor mothers who lost their children.

according to my friend wikipedia:

"In its present form, Mother's Day was established by Anna Marie Jarvis, following the death of her mother on May 9, 1905; she campaigned to establish Mother's Day as a U.S. national, and later an international, holiday.

Originally the Andrew's Methodist Episcopal Church, the site of the original Mother's Day commemoration, where Anna handed out carnations, the International Mother's Day Shrine is now a National Historic Landmark. From there, the custom caught on—spreading eventually to 46 states. The holiday was declared officially by some states as early as 1912, beginning with West Virginia. On May 8, 1914, the U.S. Congress passed a law designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day and requesting a proclamation. On May 9, 1914, President Woodrow Wilson made that proclamation, declaring the first national Mother's Day, as a day for American citizens to show the flag in honor of those mothers whose sons had died in war."

i found the whole origin of mother's day a little ironic. after all, karen and i lost our son (braden) last year. granted, we did not lose braden to a war (at least not in the invasion of land sense). he did, however, bravely fight until the end.

truth be told, neither karen nor i were particularly looking forward to mother's day. there were just too many reminders of braden's loss. after all, at this same time last year, karen and i were feeling the excitement of her pregnancy with braden and we had planned to share the news with... our respective mothers.

anyway, i really was not sure what to expect in the morning. i woke up early to make some carrot and raisin muffins to bring to my favorite sister-in-law's (janine) so that karen could sleep in. (it was, after all, her day.) janine was having their parents and my parents over for brunch. i was a little hesitant about the muffins at first because... well, i hardly bake... and i wasn't sure if they would even taste good. (i have been told, however, that the muffins turned out quite delicious.)

adding to my feeling of dread for the day was the fact that my parents got lost on the way to janine's. as i stood outside to flag my parents down, i kept thinking... this is going to be one of those days. as it turned out, it was a good time at janine's. the brunch was great. my parents had a fun time. my mom enjoyed playing wii bowling with my niece (kaleigh).

there was this one moment while at janine's where i almost started to tear. it really was not bad or anything. i had been playing with kaleigh for most of the day. as i sat with kaleigh on my lap at the dinner table, i looked up to see my mom smiling at me. it's tough for me to describe the look she had in her eyes. it was as though my mom were proudly smiling at me as i played with her grandchild or something. that's probably the best way i could describe it. despite everything that has happened, my mom was proud of me.

anyway, following brunch, karen and i went to visit braden at the cemetery. as it so happens, karen's parents had also planned on visiting braden after brunch. earlier in the day, karen's father told us a story about how braden was lucky yet again in helping him with a scratch ticket. that's my little angel.

needless to say, it was a little tough for me at the cemetery. every time i looked at braden's grave marker, all i could think of was what could have been. had my in-laws not been there at the cemetery with us, i probably would have broken down completely in tears.

the rest of the day simply passed by rather quickly. janine, my favorite brother-in-law (pj), my nephew (pj) and kaleigh stopped on over for a little while. it turns out, pj has never seen the movie: the sound of music. so there was some discussion about that while they were over.

as well, my bff (kerry) also stopped on over. kerry happened to be down in the south shore yesterday because she drove her mother home. her mother lives in hingham. it was great seeing kerry again. it was actually a great way to end the day because karen, kerry and i basically spent the rest of the night just hanging out, plopped on our couch cuddled in blankets, watching episodes of veronica mars. (for anyone curious, veronica mars is a great show. too bad it got cancelled.)

we had not watched any episodes of veronica mars in quite some time. so it was a little difficult to remember what happened the last time we watched the show. nonetheless, we had a fun time hanging out together.

all in all, i was pleasantly surprised about how the entire day turned out. don't get me wrong... by no means was i jumping for joy yesterday. i was expecting the day to be somber, or at least i was expecting myself to be in one of those anti-social moods. sure, i had my moments. but in general, the day was actually not as bad as i had been dreading.

and most importantly (because it was mother's day), karen was all right yesterday. she was actually probably better than me... feeling-wise. perhaps that was where braden got his strength of will from... his mom.