I Suck At Finding A Mother's Day Present

around this time last year, i was digging up our front lawn to plant new grass. after all, our front lawn last year was disaster. of course, with the heaping mound of dirt and the equally heaping pile of rocks that are currently sitting in our driveway, our house still does not have any curb appeal. it's just that last year, our curb appeal was worse... if you can believe that.

i remember those days of sod-busting. i disliked it... immensely. it's amazing how things can quickly change over the course of a year. given the choice, i would prefer sod-busting over my current predicament: finding a mother's day present. i suck at finding a mother's day present.

under normal circumstances, i probably would not be a little depressed about finding a mother's day present. after all, i love my mother... no problem there. unfortunately, karen and i lost our son (braden) in september of last year.

when we lost braden, the grief counselors told us that the holidays would be rough on us. oh how true they were. christmas was a little lackluster this year... same as easter. even the birthday celebrations since september have been a little "blah". now, mother's day is not really a holiday per se... but it is a day to celebrate mothers nonetheless.

so naturally, i'm in a quandry. i'm compelled to find a present or do something for karen to honor braden. after all, karen is a mother herself. yet at the same time, my finding of a present is also a painful reminder to karen... and to myself... that we lost our son. had braden survived, this issue would not even exist. i'm pretty sure that right now, braden would want us to celebrate his mother without him. nonetheless, it's easier said than done.

i'm not even sure what i'll end up doing. i know karen does not expect me to get her anything. she's not even sure how she'll feel on sunday... the actual mother's day. i have a feeling that i'll probably be feeling the same way when father's day arrives.

anyway, i don't know if this emotional rollercoaster for karen and i will ever end. i just know that this year karen and i will be thinking of braden on mother's day... and probably every mother's day after that. so while everyone else joyfully celebrates their mothers, i can only hope that everyone else also celebrates and remembers those mothers who lost children... and those women who are unable to be mothers.