I Suck At Celebrating My Nephew's Birthday

today is my nephew's (pj) birthday. unfortunately, i suck at celebrating my nephew's birthday.

pj turned 7 this past week and so, his birthday celebration was today. the theme for the birthday party... star wars. it's amazing how time flies. i remember when he was born. i love pj. when i say i suck at celebrating my nephew's birthday... i really mean i suck at celebrating my nephew's birthday.

i actually had a moment today where i almost did not attend pj's birthday party. this morning, my parents stopped on by. they were at the cemetery visiting my son (braden). in fact, my parents got him a little pumpkin (or gourd) and two potted plants. the plants were very beautiful. anyway, i was not really surprised to see my parents today. after all, it was one month ago today that braden passed away.

needless to say, karen and i also visited braden before going to pj's party. as i sat there at his burial site, i placed my hand on the grass... thinking that he was touching my hand back. from there, i just started crying... trying to still make sense of it all and trying to figure out what i should do to get things back on track. i don't think there has been a time yet that i have not cried when visiting braden in the cemetery.

anyway, i had considered not attending pj's party after that moment because i really didn't compose myself until i was literally at the front door of my favorite sister-in-law's (janine) house. so needless to say, i was mentally not all there for my nephew today and i feel terrible for saying that.

add to that, the fact that i felt disrespected by some people attending the party... and well... you can imagine that i was not having a good day... although, truth be told, i'm probably not having a good month or so... i've been so rundown with lack of sleep... and then add being sick on top of that weakened constitution, thanks to my friend (snot amy), and you can tell i'm probably not in the best frame of mind.

for those of you who know me, honoring my son is particularly important to me right now. in fact, i'm sure some people probably think i'm a little too maniacal when it comes to that. up until today, there has been only person who i felt did not show the respect that my son deserves by not acknowledging that braden was born and then passed away. after pj's party, i can now add two more people to that list.

again, i'm not going to name names because i told myself that i would instigate things through my blog. i will say, however, that i have lost respect for these two individuals who did not say a peep to either karen or i... about anything. these two people happen to be the significant others of two people who did attend braden's service. thus, i expected a little better behavior from them. perhaps i was expecting too much.

it's all about expectations i guess. i don't think i'm being that unreasonable in expecting these individuals to at least approach karen or i and say something like "how are you guys doing?" or "i'm sorry for your loss". sadly... nothing. and so, i lose respect for them... which i'm sure they themselves could care less. and to think, i used to defend one of them whenever that person's name came up. oh well.

don't get me wrong. i am not expecting everyone that i see from now on to say "i'm sorry" or anything like that to me or karen. i don't expect everyone to know about braden's loss. there are, however, some people who i do expect to know about it and have yet to see... so when i do see them... i would hope that they would at least acknowledge that my son, braden, passed away.

i don't know. i'm getting a little too worked up over this issue. i was actually going to call this post "i suck at getting better" because lately, i have thought that... and that thought scares me. i'm run-down. i have a cold i can't shake. i have no control over my emotions. i have no idea what i am going to do. i can't imagine this being normal... but perhaps it is. i sometimes wonder if i am fooling myself into thinking that writing this blog will help me cope. i simply don't know.

needless to say, i suck at celebrating my nephew's birthday. little pj deserved better from his uncle today. i didn't even take any pictures at the party. i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you today, pj. i'll try to make it up to you.