I Suck At Remembering My Son

last night, karen and i looked at the pictures and watched the videos that i had taken of my son (braden) while he was in the neonatal intensive care unit.

i had hooked up my computer to the ginormous television, so that we could enjoy the multimedia files on the big screen. it was fantastic to see pictures and videos of braden on the big screen. at the same time, it was heartbreaking because i know i'll never be able to hold him in my arms again or raise him to be an "instigator". being congested and sick, i don't think the crying i did helped with my sinuses any.

anyway, that was last night. today, on this very day, braden would have been one month old had he survived. i hope none of my friends or family think i'm being obsessive by remembering that today is braden's one month anniversary. i remember that when i was younger and some of my single friends at the time were dating... that when when they kept track of their dating anniversary and would mention it to everyone... i thought it was... well... crazy and somewhat annoying. i just didn't want to follow suit with braden. (for anyone curious, i have basically chalked up that dating behavior as part of the honeymoon phase of dating in which everything is like a honeymoon for that person and no matter what anyone says otherwise to that person, the comment will not register with that person however true it may be. and yes, i find that annoying too... which is sometimes how i get this "instigator" reputation.)

regardless, right now i need to remember my son, braden. it's too bad i suck at remembering my son. one of my biggest fears i have is that i will stop counting the days of braden's life and forget about him altogether. i do not want to do that... ever. and so, right now, the only way i can think of remembering him is to count the days and remember how old he would have been had he survived. i love my son and it's the least that i can do for him... to honor him.

and to everyone who has been there for karen and myself, thank you again for honoring braden. each and every one of you have been great. well, there is one person who karen and i have seen since braden's passing who knows about our loss and has yet to do anything... like offer any condolences or thoughts or prayers or anything... and that, i must say, is downright rude if you ask me. i'm not going to name any names obviously... because i told myself that i would not instigate things via this medium... but i would hope common sense would eventually kick in so that this person would do the right thing and at least acknowledge my son.

anyway, i apologize for that rant. obviously, honoring my son is important to me. so anything that i think is disrespectful of that may occasionally throw me into a tizzy. so i'll try to stop thinking about that particular person for now, because today, braden would have been one month old.

enjoy your day, braden! i still remember. i love you.