I Suck At Being There For My Son

it's day 5 of life, as the doctors say.

my son (braden) was born extremely premature at 23 weeks. for those who are not good at math, that's about four months early. he is currently in the neonatal intensive care unit in critical condition trying to survive.

needless to say, karen and i have been a mess lately. we have recently started a routine whereby we visit braden in the early morning and late at night. in between those times, i have been attempting to work at my job. it pains me to leave braden after our early morning visit. it is simply unfortunate that i suck at being there for my son. in reality, i probably could spend all day at the intensive care unit because my boss is understanding and would cover for me. as i had just started at this company, i don't have any vacation time or sick time... or any of that. i also, however, don't want to get my boss in any trouble for covering for me. so, i am attempting to work... however little it is that i have been doing right now because i am constantly distracted by the well being of braden.

anyway, as i am currently composed and not a blubbering puddle of tears yet, i figured i'd write about my son. yes, i fear that i am turning into that soccer mom who only talks about their child... so, i apologize. i never wanted to become a soccer mom. i figured, for those reading this blog, however, that some of you may want to know how things were going with my little dragon (braden).

due to the extreme premature birth, braden has many things that are underdeveloped. again, he is a fighter and has survived the first 24 hours where most extremely premature babies of his gestation period do not. (yay braden!)

currently, the main problems he is facing (and there will be many of them) are the following:

the need for a central line;
the pda needs to close;
and bleeding in his brain;

the central line is the most important problem right now. according to my friend, wikipedia:

"In medicine, a central venous catheter (CVC or central venous line or central venous access catheter) is a catheter placed into a large vein in the neck (internal jugular vein), chest (subclavian vein) or groin (femoral vein). It is used to administer medication or fluids, obtain blood tests (specifically the "mixed venous oxygen saturation"), and directly obtain cardiovascular measurements such as the central venous pressure. Certain medications, such as inotropes and amiodarone, are preferably given through a central line."

basically, the central line is his life. braden needs it in place so that he can be given certain medications and fluids. as of right now, the doctors have been unable to put one into braden because his veins are simply too small. so braden has been... maintaining.

in regards to the pda... according to the national heart lung and blood institute, in patent ductus arteriosus (pda):

"there is an abnormal circulation of blood between two of the major arteries near the heart. Before birth, the two major arteries—the aorta and the pulmonary artery—are normally connected by a blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus, which is an essential part of the fetal circulation. After birth, the vessel is supposed to close within a few days as part of the normal changes occurring in the baby's circulation. In some babies, however, the ductus arteriosus remains open (patent). This opening allows blood to flow directly from the aorta into the pulmonary artery, which can put a strain on the heart and increase the blood pressure in the lung arteries."

as of right now, there is a 2mm hole that is problematic for braden. the doctors are attempting to treat the problem with drugs in hopes that the hole will close. treatment consists of 3 doses (which make up 1 course) of a particular drug that obviously has health risks. braden is currently in dose 2 of the second course (with a maximum of 3 courses).

lastly, the doctors are concerned with bleeding in braden's brain. it probably goes without saying that any hemorrhaging in the brain is never good. braden has had numerous ultrasounds of his head. unfortunately, something abnormal and inconclusive was detected. the doctors are going to likewise monitor that to see if what they discovered spreads or not. the good news is... the abnormality is not where they would expect premature babies to hemorrhage. the bad news is... it could still be a hemorrhage of some type.

the only other thing that is new for my little braden... is that he has a new hat. he is now tres chic with his little blue hat. i am guessing he is the rave among all the neonatal intensive care unit babies.

(pictured below is braden with his stylish blue hat.)


keep up the good work braden! mommy and daddy love you! i wish i could be there with you.