I Suck At Saying Goodbye

yesterday, the world lost a special person. that special person was my son... braden michael. it's unfortunate that the world never really got to know braden, because i am sure he would have brought a lot to this world.

after all, a psychic reading done for karen said braden would have been a crystal child. for those who don't know what the term means (like myself up until it was mentioned to me), crystal children "are extremely powerful children, whose main purpose is to take us to the next level in our evolution, and reveal to us our inner power and divinity" according to starchild. they are "angels in human form".

the psychic may have forgotten to mention the fact that braden would be extemely premature and pass in seven days, so take what you will from the psychic.

needless to say, i suck at saying goodbye to my son.

(pictured below is my little braden.)


here is where i turn into a soccer mom and talk incessantly about my child. the hospital staff had all agreed and told me that braden had daddy's looks. he had my nose... and a cute nose it was. (too bad i don't like my nose on my own face.) i love the nose on braden... just not on me. karen also thinks he had my chin. i sometimes wonder if little braden had my personality too because he was so laidback during karen's pregnancy. karen never had any problems with him when she was carrying him.

one of the things that i admire most about braden was his strength. with all the medical procedures and the poking and prodding done to him by the hospital staff, he kept on surviving. he was a fighter till the very end. i only wish his daddy could be as strong.

the medical staff went above and beyond in trying to help braden survive. unfortunately, braden just wasn't meant to come home with his mommy and daddy. as a parent, i keep asking the "why" question and the "what if" question. in my heart, i know these questions can never be answered. trying to find an answer would drive me to insanity.

after all, it's silly to think that i may have accidentally placed a curse on braden by referencing bruce lee. some people believe in "the curse of the dragon" which resulted in the mysterious death of bruce lee and his son. perhaps i unleashed this curse upon my little braden. it sounds ridiculous, but it's these types of thoughts that run through my head as i try to make sense of the reasons for my son's passing.

i will probably never know the reason. as cold as it sounds, i can only say that it simply was not meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. it definitely does not make me any happier.

at least i was lucky enough to hold braden before he finally passed. braden was so light. he grabbed a hold of mommy and daddy's finger with his tiny hand as if to say "be strong, i have to go now"... braden looked so peaceful as he passed. i can still remember the feeling of his soft skin as i kissed him goodbye.

it seems almost fitting that it rained the day my little braden passed. it's as though the angels above were shedding tears of joy that one of their own was coming home. my son... my angel... will now watch over mommy and daddy. as morbid as this will sound, i know i will be at peace when i, myself, some day pass because little braden will be there to hold my hand again.

thank you braden. as tough as these past days have been, i would never trade them in because i was blessed to be able to meet you... if only for seven days. i will forever love you braden... my little dragon.