yesterday, i was still feeling a little down in the dumps. for some reason, i have been having constant thoughts about my son (braden) who passed away in september of last year. truth be told, my wild mood swings irk me. i know when my mood is changing, yet i can't seem to do anything about reversing the feeling.
i just hope my mood improves next week when the photo scavenger hunt that i am organizing finally takes place. i have been planning a photo scavenger hunt with a bunch of friends. needless to say, the planning has stressed me out at times because i simply want everything to go without and hitch and hope everyone has fun.
anyway, karen went to correct case studies at my friend's (hot amy) place for the class that both of them are teaching at simmons college. so while karen was out, i decided to take my mind off things by working on the house. for anyone curious, i was installing molding around the sliding door on our first floor. the installation actually went quicker than expected (probably because i was only installing the inside molding). sure, i had the frustration of noticing our cracked walls... but it was nothing a little tape and joint compound couldn't take care of.
having finished pretty early, i decided to get out and enjoy the nice weather. so, i did what any normal person who has not exercised in quite some time done: i went running. sadly, i only ran one mile... as my stomach began to cramp... proof that i should have been a little more hydrated before deciding to run.
needless to say, i thought the running would clear my mind. it didn't. so, i decided to walk to the cemetery where braden is buried. now i suck visiting the cemetery. lucky for me, braden is buried not too far from where i live so i can visit him at any time with ease.
when i went to the cemetery, i had the pleasure of meeting a relative (sheila) to one of braden's neighbors. sheila had just arrived at the cemetery as well (although she drove). perhaps it was coincidence that we were both there at the same time... or maybe there was a reason for it. but, it was nice meeting with sheila.
i actually started to break down talking to sheila because she had asked who i was visiting. as it turned out, sheila also lost a son named michael. it still amazes me how many people i find who have lost children. anyway, shiela told me a story about how her husband, a state trooper, was in a high speed car accident that sent him flying 60 feet. by all logical accounts, he should not have made it out alive. yet, he remarkably was all right. sheila attributed his survival to the fact that her son michael was watching over her husband.
needless to say, it was a nice comforting story. after telling me that things would get better for me, sheila left. i thanked her of course. as she drove away, i basically sat at the foot of braden's flat marker. i actually sat there for quite some time just thinking about my son.
Showing posts with label cemetery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cemetery. Show all posts
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, December 5, 2008
I Suck At Visiting The Cemetery
today, karen and i visited my son (braden michael) in the cemetery. it's too bad i suck at visiting the cemetery.
anyway, braden would have been three months old on this day had he survived. happy 3-month birthday braden! i still wish you were here with karen and i. unfortunately, i have to keep telling myself that it was not meant to be... for some reason that i will probably never ever come to know. so instead of experiencing the joys of fatherhood during the past three months, i get to experience the joys of self-doubt and have thoughts about the dreams that will never happen for my son. it sounds like an even trade-off... i guess.
the good news, however, is that braden's flat marker was finally installed... just in time for his three month birthday. i know a flat marker is not exactly the most thrilling item to get excited over.
(pictured below is the flat marker for braden.)
i am quite pleased with the flat marker (and with quincy memorials in general). both karen and i were actually surprised on the size of the marker as it is noticeably larger than the other surrounding flat markers at the cemetery. i'm sure there is some irony there because braden was a tiny little guy who weighed the same amount as a stick of butter. so to have a flat marker that is larger than the other markers at the cemetery is quite interesting.
karen loves the winnie the pooh engraving. she was very happy when she knew quincy memorials could engrave winnie the pooh on the flat marker. in fact, she even thought about having a family disney theme for our flat markers. (i'll let whoever deal with that when i pass away.)
anyway, we both thought that winnie the pooh was appropriate for braden. in addition to being karen's favorite disney character, winnie the pooh was going to be the theme for braden's room. obviously, we never finished braden's room, but it would have been a nice theme for him had he survived.
when karen and i saw the image of winnie the pooh holding the three balloons from the books and books of images we could have quincy memorials engrave from, we immediately knew that the pooh image was what we wanted on braden's marker. karen liked how the three balloons could represent the three of us: braden, karen and i. i also liked the symbolism of pooh flying up into the clouds. (i believe the scene that features winnie the pooh with the three balloons has him float away into the sky.)
as for the "little b" on the marker, that was a result of something that started while at the neonatal intensive care unit. if you could have seen braden when he was alive, you would have seen how tiny he was. (again, he weighed the same as a stick of butter.) in fact, braden's entire arm could fit through my wedding ring... which we have pictures of. needless to say, i just started referring to braden as "little b" and it sort of stuck. he was so gosh darn cute.
anyway, happy three month birthday braden! i hope you like the flat marker. please remember that daddy loves you.
anyway, braden would have been three months old on this day had he survived. happy 3-month birthday braden! i still wish you were here with karen and i. unfortunately, i have to keep telling myself that it was not meant to be... for some reason that i will probably never ever come to know. so instead of experiencing the joys of fatherhood during the past three months, i get to experience the joys of self-doubt and have thoughts about the dreams that will never happen for my son. it sounds like an even trade-off... i guess.
the good news, however, is that braden's flat marker was finally installed... just in time for his three month birthday. i know a flat marker is not exactly the most thrilling item to get excited over.
(pictured below is the flat marker for braden.)
i am quite pleased with the flat marker (and with quincy memorials in general). both karen and i were actually surprised on the size of the marker as it is noticeably larger than the other surrounding flat markers at the cemetery. i'm sure there is some irony there because braden was a tiny little guy who weighed the same amount as a stick of butter. so to have a flat marker that is larger than the other markers at the cemetery is quite interesting.
karen loves the winnie the pooh engraving. she was very happy when she knew quincy memorials could engrave winnie the pooh on the flat marker. in fact, she even thought about having a family disney theme for our flat markers. (i'll let whoever deal with that when i pass away.)
anyway, we both thought that winnie the pooh was appropriate for braden. in addition to being karen's favorite disney character, winnie the pooh was going to be the theme for braden's room. obviously, we never finished braden's room, but it would have been a nice theme for him had he survived.
when karen and i saw the image of winnie the pooh holding the three balloons from the books and books of images we could have quincy memorials engrave from, we immediately knew that the pooh image was what we wanted on braden's marker. karen liked how the three balloons could represent the three of us: braden, karen and i. i also liked the symbolism of pooh flying up into the clouds. (i believe the scene that features winnie the pooh with the three balloons has him float away into the sky.)
as for the "little b" on the marker, that was a result of something that started while at the neonatal intensive care unit. if you could have seen braden when he was alive, you would have seen how tiny he was. (again, he weighed the same as a stick of butter.) in fact, braden's entire arm could fit through my wedding ring... which we have pictures of. needless to say, i just started referring to braden as "little b" and it sort of stuck. he was so gosh darn cute.
anyway, happy three month birthday braden! i hope you like the flat marker. please remember that daddy loves you.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I Suck At Visiting The Cemetery
on friday, my son (braden) had some unexpected company.
my mother came down for a visit on friday. she was required to take an online training course for her work. the only problem... my mother does not have access to the internet. (well, technically she does. she still has a dial up connection on her home computer, but she rarely goes on the internet.)
because the online training course had streaming video, my mother could not exactly take the course at her house. thus, i asked my mom if she wanted to come over and use my computer. and so, she came over after work on friday.
before she started the training course, however, my mom and i went to visit braden at the cemetery. now i suck at visiting the cemetery. all right... perhaps i don't really. in the mornings, i say "hello and good morning" to my son as i pass by the cemetery on my way to work (or on my way to drop off karen at work). i also try to go inside the cemetery as often as i can. i'm hoping some day things will get easier when i visit braden because i still miss him a lot.
but i suppose i should consider myself somewhat lucky. some people don't even get the chance to even meet their son, if only for a week. i think the holidays are definitely going to be hard this year.
anyway, the unexpected visitors at braden's grave site were not my mom or i... the unexpected visitors were wild turkeys (and i don't mean a bunch of drunk guys at the bar). nope, i mean... wild... with feathers and a throat wattle... turkeys.
(pictured below is one of the turkeys at braden's site.)
my mom counted at least six of them. it was wild... literally. i was actually hesitant to get out of the car at first because i was not sure if wild turkeys attacked or not. after all, i didn't want to star in the next "when turkeys attack" video or something like that. my mom, on the other hand, had no problem. she was all smiles and in awe... and she hopped right out of the car.
when we approached braden's site, the turkeys calmly walked away. it was nice that the turkeys came to visit my son. i almost felt like they were there to wish him a happy thanksgiving. of course, i could just be crazy. but seeing the turkeys there was very nice. the sight made me think that turkeys wanted to kick off the holidays with my son. so maybe this holiday season won't be so bad. i don't know.
as an added bonus, the family headstone was installed on the plot. i realize it seems very odd to get excited over a headstone. i'm just glad the headstone was installed before the winter season... and the snow... and all that. the company that installed the headstone (quincy memorials) wanted to have the headstone in place for us before thanksgiving. i thought that was very nice of them. quincy memorials, however, did not have enough time to finish braden's marker yet. so, we're still waiting on that. but i must say, braden's site is starting to come around.
my mother came down for a visit on friday. she was required to take an online training course for her work. the only problem... my mother does not have access to the internet. (well, technically she does. she still has a dial up connection on her home computer, but she rarely goes on the internet.)
because the online training course had streaming video, my mother could not exactly take the course at her house. thus, i asked my mom if she wanted to come over and use my computer. and so, she came over after work on friday.
before she started the training course, however, my mom and i went to visit braden at the cemetery. now i suck at visiting the cemetery. all right... perhaps i don't really. in the mornings, i say "hello and good morning" to my son as i pass by the cemetery on my way to work (or on my way to drop off karen at work). i also try to go inside the cemetery as often as i can. i'm hoping some day things will get easier when i visit braden because i still miss him a lot.
but i suppose i should consider myself somewhat lucky. some people don't even get the chance to even meet their son, if only for a week. i think the holidays are definitely going to be hard this year.
anyway, the unexpected visitors at braden's grave site were not my mom or i... the unexpected visitors were wild turkeys (and i don't mean a bunch of drunk guys at the bar). nope, i mean... wild... with feathers and a throat wattle... turkeys.
(pictured below is one of the turkeys at braden's site.)
my mom counted at least six of them. it was wild... literally. i was actually hesitant to get out of the car at first because i was not sure if wild turkeys attacked or not. after all, i didn't want to star in the next "when turkeys attack" video or something like that. my mom, on the other hand, had no problem. she was all smiles and in awe... and she hopped right out of the car.
when we approached braden's site, the turkeys calmly walked away. it was nice that the turkeys came to visit my son. i almost felt like they were there to wish him a happy thanksgiving. of course, i could just be crazy. but seeing the turkeys there was very nice. the sight made me think that turkeys wanted to kick off the holidays with my son. so maybe this holiday season won't be so bad. i don't know.
as an added bonus, the family headstone was installed on the plot. i realize it seems very odd to get excited over a headstone. i'm just glad the headstone was installed before the winter season... and the snow... and all that. the company that installed the headstone (quincy memorials) wanted to have the headstone in place for us before thanksgiving. i thought that was very nice of them. quincy memorials, however, did not have enough time to finish braden's marker yet. so, we're still waiting on that. but i must say, braden's site is starting to come around.
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