I Suck At The Library

Last night, I attended the monthly Board of Trustee meeting for the public library. Too bad I suck at the library.

I think being elected to the Board has ruined my fondness for the library. I used to enjoy going there as a patron. Now, I sometimes dread going to the library. I think the turtle-like pace of government with its rules and regulations is what frustrates me about being on the Board.

Of course, it also may be the fact that my opinion seems to count very little on the Board. To say I'm the most technically savvy member on the Board is an understatement considering my day job involves developing web applications and the rest of the Board is in public education. Yet somehow, my thoughts on the possible redesign of the library website had fallen on deaf ears because my perspective was considered too technical.

For anyone curious, I had suggested that the public library site be redesigned to be "responsive" to the device viewing the site. Thus, viewing the site on something like a mobile device would not be a pain for users (like it currently is). At the time of my suggestion, I was told that my perspective was too technical.

Interestingly enough, during the meeting last night, the topic of the site redesign came up. Lo and behold, someone mentioned that another library had a site for mobile devices. Shocker. Someone beat us to the punch.

Anyway, the meeting was status quo. The main highlight last night at the library, was not the Board meeting, but the actual surprise I received at the library. The library director had told me that someone had made a donation to the library in my son's (Braden) name. For anyone curious, Braden passed away four years ago. His birthday was near the beginning of the month.

As part of the donation, the following books were inscribed with dedication to Braden: "Garden of Dreams" by Richard Wainwright; "How do I love you?" by P.K. Hallinan; "If you give a moose a muffin", "If you give a pig a pancake", and "If you take a mouse to school" by Laura Joffe Numeroff.

The donation came from Karen's cousin (Karlene) and Karlene's husband (Tommy), who reside in the great white north known as Lowell. There apparently is a lot to like about Lowell. I was pleasantly surprised by the news and it meant a lot to me. So thank you, Karlene and Tommy. As an extra bonus, I got to be the first one to take the book out of the library.

Needless to say, the donation was very touching and it made my day. I had no idea that Karlene and Tommy even made the donation. Thank you again.

I Suck At Celebrating My Son's Birthday

Had my son (Braden) not passed away, he would have been four years old today. Happy birthday Braden! Too bad I suck at celebrating my son's birthday.

It's amazing how quickly time goes by. There are times where it seems just like yesterday that I held him in my hands. And before I forget, I wanted to thank my friend (Jen), my favorite cousin-in-law (Karlene) and her husband (Tommy), and my BFF (Kerry) for their thoughtful wishes today.

I don't expect people to remember Braden's birthday. So it means a lot to me that they were thinking of him on his special day. I'm lucky to have thoughtful people in my life.

I wish I could have said today was a great day. Unfortunately, my two year old daughter (Briana) and my six month old daughter (Bridget) weren't exactly on their best behaviors today. Regardless, I was pleased that Briana went with Karen and I to visit Braden at the cemetery amid the pouring rain.

I thought the cemetery visit was nice. As Karen and Briana were heading back to the car, I stayed to say my goodbyes to Braden. With umbrella in hand, I knelt down, kissed my hand and placed it on Braden's grave marker. When I turned around, there was Briana standing right in front of me with a big smile. It was pleasant surprise and a touching moment for me. If only she were good the rest of the day.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your birthday Braden. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you!

I Suck At Seeing My Friend

Today started off with a pleasant surprise. My friend (Jen) stopped on by for a visit this morning. Now, I suck at seeing my friend. With the seemingly vast time-suck of raising two children, I don't get to see Jen all that often. So it was definitely a nice surprise when she called asking to stop on by.

Jen has been a little stressed of late, having to deal with some family medical issues. Thankfully, the medical issues are resolving themselves, which is nice.

Among the other topics of conversation that came up were Dancing with the Stars, the Hunger Games, and a book from a mutual acquaintance that we know. For anyone curious, we were discussing Urkel's apparent feud with his instructor, Kym. Apparently Jen and I have been reading Yahoo news.

As for the Hunger Games, Jen is currently reading the book. And naturally, since I like all things teeny-bopperish, I too am curious about the book. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the book is at least better written than that god-awful dribble known as Twilight. "I shouldn't love you... but I do." And then repeat the line exponentially throughout the book.

Speaking of Hunger Games, my friends (Marc and Kelley) mentioned the seemingly similar Japanese version, Battle Royale. I am quite curious about that as well, if only because there is supposed to be more blood. I'm easy to please that way.

As for the other book by our mutual acquaintance, I must say that I am mildly interested. Don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that he got his work published. Sadly, the premise of the story seems awfully corny as it involves vampires and the post office. Hence, the mild interest. So I'm not sold on it just yet. Although if the lead character were a hot blonde, I may reconsider. Just kidding.

Anyway, the rest of the day was rather ho-hum. Karen and I got some flowers for our son (Braden) who passed away in 2008. Incidentally, today was the first time our newborn daughter (Bridget) got to meet her older brother at the cemetery. So that was nice. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful.

I Suck At Attending A Service For Remembrance

It's good to know that I can still feel pain.

On Tuesday, Karen, my twenty month old daughter (Briana), and I attended the 19th Annual Service of Remembrance at the Old South Union Church located directly across from South Shore Hospital. The service is held for families who have lost children. Too bad, I suck at attending a service for remembrance.

I've been attending the service ever since our son (Braden) passed away in 2008. As a result, this year was the fourth annual service I've been to. It's amazing how quickly time goes by.

For anyone curious, the service in addition to remembering the lost loved ones allows for people to share encouraging stories with one another. And every year at the service, I always wonder what it is that I would say if I had that opportunity. I don't think there's really much I could say other than the experience sucks. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Luckily for everyone, I did not share that encouraging thought. Instead, I spent the entire service at the "crib room" complements of my loving daughter. My always curious daughter was definitely not going to sit patiently through the service. So off to the "crib room" we went... at the start of the service.

The crib room is essentially a play area to keep little children occupied during the service. The room also broadcasts the on-going service, so that you don't really miss out on anything that is said. Interestingly enough, Briana and I were not the only ones there. When we got there, a mother and two of her children were already in the room.

I generally think Briana is a handful. She's curious and on the go until she sleeps. Fortunately for me, Briana pales in comparison to one of the children I met in the crib room. The girl was slightly older than Briana and she literally ran non-stop circles around the room for the entire service. It was impressive... and insane at the same time.

Needless to say, despite the interesting experience in the crib room, I did get to hear Braden's name over the speakers. It was good to be able to dedicate a night to him, which is something I think I don't do as often as I'd like.

And as proof as to how soft I have become, I actually teared up in the crib room. It was not even for Braden. The grandmother of the other two children in the room was telling me how her daughter lost her son. To me, it was just an awful story about how the unborn child was near full term and just one day, the mother could not feel any movement. The baby simply had passed away. I think what struck me as the worst part of the story was that the mother had to deliver the deceased baby. I felt so sad when I heard that. Heck, I feel sad typing it right now.

Anyway, it was good to remember Braden. I still wonder what he would be like right now if he had survived. I miss you, Braden. Please don't forget that I'll always love you.

I Suck At Celebrating My Son's Birthday

Monday was Labor day. In addition to honoring our workers, Monday also happened to be my son's (Braden) birthday. Too bad I suck at celebrating my son's birthday. Had Braden survived, he would have turned three on Monday. Happy birthday Braden!

I still miss Braden. In some ways, I suppose I should consider myself lucky. Although Braden only lived for a week, that time is more than some people get. So I'm thankful to have known my son for that one week.

My seventeen month old daughter (Briana) never got to meet Braden. Unfortunately, she will only know her brother through pictures and videos. It's too bad because I think Braden would have adored Briana (and vice versa). Or perhaps that may be a good thing. If Braden is anything like his sister, he'd be just as curious and then I'd have two mischievous little children running around the house and wreaking havoc everywhere instead of one.

Needless to say, I'll never know what life would be like raising Braden. I can only imagine the great things that he would have done had he survived.

Anyway for the past two years, Karen and I have been getting an ice cream cake to celebrate Braden's birthday. This year was no different. I think Briana may have thought the cake was for her because she seemed quite exited about the ice cream cake with three candles on it.

The ice cream cake was good. It was a nice way to end the low key day which consisted of a family outing to the cemetery and then to Norwell's 4th Annual Picnic on the Common. For anyone curious, the Picnic on the Common was actually fun. There was a magician who was great with the kids. There was a band. There were animals. There was free lemonade (Yum!). It was nice.

All things considered, it was a good day for celebrating Braden's birthday. Again, happy birthday Braden! Daddy still and will forever love you. I'll never forget you, Little B.

I Suck At Attending A Service For Remembrance

In addition to being my first time in work's new office location of Danvers, yesterday was the 18th Annual Service of Remembrance at the Old South Union Church which is directly across from South Shore Hospital. The service is held for families who have lost children. Too bad, I suck at attending a service for remembrance.

It has been over two years since Karen and I lost our son (Braden). As much as I hate to say it, I have not thought much about my beautiful angel in quite some time. Like many people I'm sure, I have been caught up in trying to raise a baby daughter (Briana) while balancing other aspects in life.

Sadly, I think my original fears are coming true. Shortly after Braden's passing, I was concerned that I would forget about him. I was afraid that I would forget his beautiful face. I was afraid that I would forget what his skin felt like when I kissed him goodbye. And now, it's almost like it is coming true. That sensation I felt when I kissed Braden goodbye doesn't seem as real as I once remembered it being. It really irks me that I can't remember that feeling anymore.

So needless to say, I was looking forward to attending the service for remembrance just so that I could have some dedicated time to thinking about my beautiful son. With such a hectic schedule, especially during the holidays, I thought it was definitely much needed.

In case anyone is curious, the service seemed shorter this year, which was probably just as well because Briana was with us. And truth be told, Briana was very well behaved during the service. She only made a couple of brief peeps during the service, but nothing distracting (unlike the children sitting behind us).

Anyway, it was a nice service. I hope Braden enjoyed the service as well. Happy holidays, Braden! Even though Daddy forgets things, he still loves you.

I Suck At Remember My Son

Two years ago on Sunday, my son (Braden) passed away. He was born extremely premature and only survived for a week. To watch Braden fight so hard for that one week after he was born only to pass away in the end has been extremely hard to endure. As strange as this is going to sound, it was the greatest week and the worst week all at the same time.

I don't know if I am or ever will be fully healed from the grief. After all, I still break down and cry every now and then. My tears are not as often as before, probably because most of the time I am now distracted by having to take care of our baby daughter (Briana). Nevertheless, the pain still hurts like it did back then.

Needless to say, I suck at remembering my son. I was not much in the mood to see people on Sunday. Unfortunately, Karen had already made plans to have her parents and her sister (and her sister's family) to come over. The previous week on Braden's birthday, Karen had learned that Sunday was the pseudo-holiday known as grandparents day. Consequently, the local church was going to do something to honor grandparents.

Thinking that her mother would be thrilled with the idea, Karen invited her parents to church for grandparents day, followed by a family lunch at our place whereby my favorite sister-in-law (Janine) and her family would also stop on by. And as luck would have it, I had just cleaned the house the day before.

Anyway, while Karen, our baby daughter (Briana), and Karen's parents attended church for the grandparents day mass, I decided to go out for a little run. This will sound strange, but I have missed running. Granted, I never liked distance running and to some extent I still do not. I do, however, enjoy the feeling of clarity after having run a considerable distance.

Naturally, I did not run that far on Sunday. I was only able to run a mile. I guess it's good that I am still able to run a mile with no problem. These days I don't run as much as I used to in part because I really don't have much time to go out for a little jaunt within the course of a given day.

The run actually felt pretty good on Sunday. I got to think about Braden a lot during the run. It was almost like it was just him and me out there. Of course, even with the cloudy day I wore my sunglasses during the run in the event I should happen to break down in tears. After all, no one will be able to tell if I do cry if I have them on. The sunglasses are dark enough and reflect too much light to allow people to see my eyes.

And in what can be classified as a "people will believe what they want to believe" incident, I think Braden may have been watching over me for a little part of the run. While I was running, rain started to sprinkle down upon me. Since running in the rain is never fun, I muttered a little prayer to Braden, asking him to stop the rain while I run. The next thing I know, the sprinkles stopped. It was weird.

Sure, the stoppage of sprinkling rain is probably due to the clouds simply moving out of range overhead, but it's a nice feeling to believe that your little one is watching over you and hearing every word you say. So thanks Little B! I really did not want to get wet. And if you are listening Braden, Daddy still loves you and will never forget you.

Anyway, following the run I went to the cemetery to visit Braden and to reflect some more. Joining me shortly thereafter were Karen, Briana, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law. And from there, we headed back to our house for lunch because Janine and her family were also coming over.

All in all, the day turned out to be an enjoyable day to spend with family.

I Suck At Celebrating My Son's Birthday

Sunday was my son's (Braden) birthday. Happy birthday Braden! Daddy still loves you! Unfortunately, I suck at celebrating my son's birthday. Had Braden survived from being born extremely premature, he would have been two years of age. Sadly, it just wasn't meant to be for Braden.

In a rather ironic twist, I started off my Sunday going to church. I say it's ironic because I am by no means religious. For all my rantings about the Catholic church, I'm surprised I wasn't struck by lightning when I entered.

Truth be told, the only reason why I even went to church was because Karen wanted the entire family to go in remembrance of Braden. Personally, I would have chosen to remember Braden in my own individual way, rather than listen to the useless rhetoric from the priest as he tells me how giving myself fully into God is the answer. I could give myself fully into God and that still wouldn't bring back my son. (To quote Michael from Lost, "I want my son".)

Needless to say, I attended the church mass for the betterment of Karen. And as much as I would have preferred to be alone that morning, it was nice that my favorite sister-in-law (Janine) and her family attended the mass as well as Karen's cousin (Karlene) and her husband (Tommy) who had spent the previous night at our place. Karlene and Tommy considered it an honor to go, which was nice to know.

Anyway, following the mass, Karen, our baby daughter (Briana) and I headed over to the cemetery to see Braden and wish him a happy birthday. Karlene and Tommy had joined us too as they had a little present for Braden. As well, meeting us at the cemetery were my parents and Karen's parents, each with a present for Braden.

As selfish as this sounds, on Sunday morning all I wanted was to just be alone with Braden. I think it's great that everyone wants to be there to support us and I really do appreciate it. I also understand that my relatives and in-laws need to grieve in there own way as well. At the same time, when it comes to Braden, I don't have the energy to stress over things like going to church or planning to meet everyone at the cemetery after church. I just want my own time with my son.

Truth be told, I actually held up pretty well at the cemetery. I did not break down and cry until after everyone had left. I think the tears definitely made me feel better.

Anyway, following the cemetery, Karen and I decided to take a little day trip in honor of Braden. It would be just her, Briana and me. In fact, we actually considered making it an annual tradition of sorts: a vacation in honor of our son. Karen is thinking about Disney, but we'll see how that pans out next year.

Because we did not have much planned this year for Braden's memory, we decided to take a little day trip to Plymouth. In particular, we went to visit Plymouth Rock and introduce Briana to her first beach. For anyone curious, Briana missed seeing Plymouth Rock because she was asleep during that portion of the trip.

For Karen and I, it was definitely relaxing. With the nice weather, we walked around Plymouth. We hung around one of the gardens. It was a perfect way to spend the day in honor of our son. I had not been to historic Plymouth for quite some time. I think the last time I was there may have been with my friend (Jen) and my BFF (Kerry), which was the start of the whole idea about how great it would be to spend a vacationing week together with just friends. Of course, since that time Karen and I have only spent a week with our friends once, but it was still a great idea.

Anyway, as a fitting way to end the evening, we decided to dine out at our favorite restaurant, Not Your Average Joe's located in Norwell. For anyone curious, I ordered the Cobb salad which was very delicious. Of course, the meal also marked the third meal of the day in which I had eggs. I had scrambled eggs for breakfast with Karlene and Tommy; I had egg salad for lunch, which was my comfort food for the day; and I had the Cobb salad that had eggs in it. All in all, my cholesterol must have skyrocketed on Sunday.

Regardless, Sunday turned out to be a great day. I had a good time spending it with just Karen and Briana. Thank you and happy birthday Braden!

I Suck At Remembering My Son

This past Tuesday, Karen and I unfortunately did not get to see our friends (Marc, Kelley, and Andrea). We usually get together every week for Lost. As it turns out, our newborn daughter (Briana) had not been sleeping well the previous nights. Well, I should rephrase that. Briana had been keeping her parents up till the wee hours of night, and sleeping thereafter. So needless to say, Karen and I were both exhausted come Tuesday. (Incidentally, Marc was not feeling well that day either. I hope you're feeling better, Marc.)

Anyway, with our plans canceled, Karen decided to attend a library meeting. Karen has been volunteering with the Friends of the Norwell Public Library, which helps the local library raise funds for its services (like museum passes, children activities and whatnot). Karen was hesitant to go to the meeting at first (probably because she did not want to leave Briana with me), but she eventually did decide to go.

Truth be told, I'm actually glad she went to the meeting. I think Karen needs a break from Briana ever so often. It does the body/mind good to step away and recharge the batteries, so to speak. I have the luxury... if you can call it that... of going to my office in Marblehead. Karen, on the other hand, is home on maternity leave. And no doubt, taking care of a newborn child is difficult when you are home.

So while Karen was at the meeting, I got to spend some time with my daughter. I actually had a great time playing with Briana. Sadly, I did almost get a little emotional while playing with her.

I started telling Briana about her great older brother (Braden) and how he would have loved to have taken care of her. I didn't have to say much before I started getting choked up. My son, Braden, passed away one week after being born. He was great. Being born extremely premature, he fought hard to survive. It just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, I suck at remembering my son. I try to think of him as much as I can, especially with Briana in our lives. One of my fears is that I will forget about my son. I can already see it happening. Most of my time is currently consumed with taking care of Briana. I have only been able to visit the cemetery where Braden is buried only a couple of times since Briana's birth.

Don't get me wrong. I am excited and ecstatic to have Briana in my life. I just don't want to forget Braden in the process.

I Suck Reliving The Past

Today started off with what could best be described as stress.

For the most part, Karen and I have the same routine in the morning: Karen wakes up. She takes a shower. She gets ready for work. Meanwhile, I usually pull the covers over my head and try to sleep in a little longer. Eventually, I make it out of bed.

This morning things were a little different because Karen noticed some blood while in the bathroom. Blood is never a good sign. Blood while pregnant... definitely not a good sign. Needless to say, we went to the hospital to check things out.

The entire morning was eerily reminiscent of the premature birth of our son (Braden). About a year and several months ago, Karen was 23 weeks pregnant. She woke up one morning and noticed blood. We went to the hospital. Early the next day, Braden was born. Unfortunately, Braden was only able to survive for a week.

For me, that week was definitely a life-changer. Ever since Braden's passing, nothing has really been "normal". In fact, it seems like I've been trying to define a new "normal". It's almost as though you gain some clarity into appreciating the relationships you have in life and the world.

Regardless, this morning was almost like reliving the past. Unfortunately, I suck at reliving the past. Truth be told, everything this morning was freakishly similar to the situation with Braden: there was the blood in the morning; Karen is 24 weeks pregnant; we ended up in the same exam room at the hospital...

Needless to say, we were both a little worried and stressed. It didn't help that it seemed like we waited forever for the doctor to finally come examine Karen. The not-knowing was definitely hard to take.

And I may not have said it in the past, but I do have a new found appreciation for what women have to go through on an annual basis. When you see the size and shape of the speculum, you just have to be amazed that something like that can be inserted. Based on looks alone, it must be uncomfortable. Heck, I know I wouldn't want something like that inserted into me.

Anyway, as it turned out, everything looked okay to the doctor. It was a relief to hear that. I am hoping with the mightiest of mights that the doctor is correct in her diagnosis. Truthfully, I'm not sure I can handle another extreme premature birth and possible death again of my child.

As crazy as it sounds, I remember getting angry with God again... a God that I don't even believe in... during our long wait for the doctor to come in. A lot of things go through your head while you wait without answers. For me, it was "you're not taking this one. not this time..." I realize there is nothing I can actually do to prevent it, but it felt good to think it at the time.

Hopefully, things will turn out okay for my little Corny. Corny is the temporary name I have given our unborn child because during week 24, the child is the size of an ear of corn. I had thought of Cornish, but that was too much like a hen. There was also Cornelius, but that sounded awful. So Corny it was.

Regardless, one of pleasant surprises that resulted from this morning was that the social worker from South Shore Hospital called later in the day to see how we were both doing. It was a touching gesture and one that made me smile. The social worker knew us when Braden was born and passed. For her to even remember Karen and I must mean that we are doing something right in this world. After all, people we hardly know think about us. Needless to say, it was a nice surprise.

Anyway, Karen was told to rest the entire day. And so she did. She appears to be doing well, albeit a little bored. We actually ended up watching "Angels & Demons", which was the next movie in her Netflix queue.

(The video below is a trailer for "Angels & Demons".)


The movie was good. Tom Hanks looked much better without the long hair. What was he thinking for the DaVinci Code? In case you are curious, "Angels & Demons" is about Robert Langdon's (played by Tom Hanks) quest to unravel a plot to destroy the Vatican.

Truth be told, I actually liked the story of Angels & Demons better than the DaVinci Code. I'd be curious to see what the Lost Symbol (the third Robert Langdon book) is about. Interestingly enough, the Lost Symbol is currently the only novel by Dan Brown that I have not read yet. (Dan Brown's other novels beside the Robert Landon ones are Digital Fortress and Deception Point.) I might have to check that book out some day.

Anyway, the movie was a good way to unwind from today's stress.

I Suck At Attending A Service For Remembrance

On Tuesday, Karen and I atttended the 17th Annual Service of Remembrance at the Old South Union Church which is directly across from South Shore Hospital. Now, I suck at attending a service for remembrance.

The service is basically for families who have lost their children through various things like miscarriages, unexpected pregnancy outcomes, still births, early infant deaths, etc. For those who know me, they would know that I am not much for religious faith, especially having lost our son (Braden) who was born extremely premature.

We had attended the 16th annual event last year shortly after Braden's passing. From what I remember last year, the service was difficult to get through as I constantly thought about Braden and all the things that I would never be able to do with him. Truth be told, the entire past year has been much of a total blur to me. If I did not know any better, I would have sworn that I lost a year of my life.

This year, the service was not any different. You would think that a year later, things would be easier. Needless to say, the thoughts of Braden overwhelmingly rushed back when we attended the service. For one night though, it was definitely nice to hear my son's name being read aloud and honored.

One of the things that happens at the service, aside from the reading of the names of children who passed away, is that families are allowed to share thoughts or stories with everyone else in attendance. The sharing functions almost like a support group. Last year, a woman wrote a poem about the loss of her child. This year, she returned and wrote another poem. It was touching.

Although I would never get up to the podium myself to address everyone, I have at times wondered what I would say if I ever did. My speech would probably be something like this:

"Hi, my name is Mike. My son, Braden, was born extremely premature. My wife, Karen, and I were lucky enough to be with him for his one and only week after he was born.

I always thought pregnancy was a great thing. Television and the media made child birth seem like such an easy thing. People get pregnant. They have a baby. It's not until we actually lost our child that I realized that having a child is more difficult that what is on tv.

When we lost Braden, I ran through the gamut of emotions: sadness, anger, helplessness. In fact, I still feel those emotions at various random times. I don't think I will ever stop feeling those emotions when it comes to Braden.

I still wonder how this could happen? What could I have done differently? How could I have prevented it? Why did it happen?

If were any bit religious, I would be asking God the same questions. I would probably be angry with him for even letting it happen, or perhaps even blame him for taking Braden away from me. Of course, those pious enough would probably tell me that the Lord works in mysterious ways, which loosely translates to the fact that they have no idea themselves.

I know I will never get any concrete answers. For me, it's the not-knowing that makes it difficult to come to grips with my son's passing. The best that I can do is create my own rationale to explain Braden's passing: that he sacrificed himself for his family... for his future siblings... in order to inform his parents that they needed more help during pregnancy.

It's not much of a rationale, but it's at least something that I can believe in that will take away some of the grief. So thank you Braden. You will forever be missed. Mommy and Daddy will always love you."

I don't know. I guess my speech would be something like that.

Needless to say, it was a touching night. Karen and I actually went out to eat at Bertucci's in Hingham after the service. Interestingly enough, one of the families that attended the service also went to Bertucci's. I guess Bertucci's was the place to go after the service.

I Suck At Remembering My Son

My son (Braden) passed away one year ago today. Braden, who I sometimes referred to as Little B, was a fighter. He put up a valiant fight for his survival. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be for my Little B. Braden was born too premature. He only lived a week after he was born, but it was one week that I was thankful to have because I got to meet my son. Some fathers are not lucky enough to do that.

It being the one year anniversary of his passing, I do what I do best: I suck at remembering my son. As one might expect, neither Karen nor I were too keen about today. Last week was a little easier because we were celebrating Braden's birth. There is a connotation of life and joy with a birthday. Unfortunately today... well... people don't really celebrate deaths. There is no joy on the anniversary of people's passing, especially a child's.

Interestingly enough, the weather today was dark and gloomy. In fact, there was a constant downpour of rain today. It seems somewhat fitting that today would be a day of heavy rain. Like the famous spin that is mentioned about rain on one's wedding day, I like to think that today... the angels were crying tears of joy because one of their own returned to them one year ago on this day. With the constant heavy rain, it made me feel good to know that the angels really really adored my Little B.

Never one for pity, Karen and I decided to get out of the house and do something today. After a visit to Braden at the cemetery, Karen and I headed off to Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. Our plan: to go to the Bodies Revealed exhibit that was showing there.

Karen and I had originally planned to be spontaneous and go yesterday. Unfortunately, my work threw a little wrench in the plans. So, we decided to go today, which was actually nice because it gave us an opportunity to get out of the house. Otherwise, we probably would have sat around our house, watching the pouring rain with nothing to do.

For anyone curious, the Bodies Revealed exhibit is basically a bunch of cadavers sliced up in certain ways in the name of science. The cadavers provide a more authentic learning medium when it comes to muscles, bones, circulatory systems, digestive systems, etc. Truth be told, I thought the exhibit was well done.

I even had the opportunity to hold a preserved liver (and a stomach) in my hand. According to the exhibit, the liver is the heaviest organ in the body... weighing it at approximately 3 pounds. Naturally, I thought of my bff (Kerry) doing her 30 day shred workout, complements of Jillian Michaels of the "Biggest Loser" fame, holding a liver in each hand. Yeah, I don't know why.

Nonetheless, the exhibit was great. Afterwards, Karen and I grabbed a bite to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen that was located at Foxwoods. It was almost as though Braden planned it as such because just the other day, Karen had mentioned how she was craving a dish at the California Pizza Kitchen. And then lo' and behold... there was the California Pizza Kitchen at Foxwoods. Now if only Karen would crave a million dollars.

Speaking of which, being at a casino, Karen and I thought that we had to at least play something while we were there. We ended up playing the slot machine because it was quick and easy. Sadly, the one armed bandit took our money... all one dollar of it. We actually must have looked odd at the slot machine because neither Karen nor I are gamblers. The extent of my gambling is wagering against my friend (Hot Amy). And really, that's not really gambling because it is practically a given that I win those wagers. It's a sure bet. Of course, it helps that Hot Amy has a genetic predisposition to losing.

Anyway, it took Karen and I awhile to figure out how to even play the slot machine because it did not accept coins... only bills... with five being the lowest. It was comical.

With our new found gambling addiction, we then decided to head to Mohegan Sun, a casino also located in Connecticut. Neither Karen nor I have ever been to Mohegan Sun. As we were in the neighborhood, we figured we should at least check it out.

So, we took a leisurely drive down to the other casino and walked around. In terms of size, Mohegan Sun is huge. To me, it almost seemed like we were driving to the airport when we arrived at Mohegan Sun. And truth be told, I think I actually like Foxwoods better than Mohegan Sun.

Sure... Mohegan Sun has the Jonas Brothers coming in October. Sure... Karen and I won fifty cents at the slot machine. (We also lost fifty cents.) But the place is rather dark in terms of lighting. Plus, the smell of cigarette smoke is much more obvious at Mohegan Sun.

Foxwoods seemed to be brighter. It's shopping and restaurants were further spread out from the casino itself, which somehow seems to translate to less cigarette smoke. Plus, Tyler Florence is coming to Foxwoods in October. My friend (Marc) has a man-crush on Tyler Florence.

Anyway, all in all, I had a good time being with Karen today. I think the quick trip was a much needed break with all things considered. Truth be told, we should probably get out and do more things. It would probably be good for us.

I Suck At Celebrating My Son's Birthday

Yesterday was my son's (Braden) first birthday. Happy birthday Braden! Please don't forget that daddy will always love you!

It probably goes without saying that my life drastically changed one year ago. It remains to be seen whether my change has been for the better or for the worse. After all, some days I seem great. Other days, I am a total wreck who gets teary eyed at the drop of a hat.

Previous to last year, I was pretty much happy go-lucky without a care in the world. Things were going great in my life. I had a new job that I was excited about. My wife, Karen, and I were expecting our first child in Braden. We were doing the normal pregnancy things that couples do when they expect their first child... like registering for a baby shower, taking pictures of Karen's belly, etc.

I guess Braden was eager to meet his parents, because he surprised everyone when he was born prematurely... extremely prematurely. I remember his birth well. Karen was absolutely terrified. As she clutched my hand, she pushed with all her might and then out came Braden.

Well, technically a lot of other things came out too. I remember thinking at the time that it was odd that the doctor had a face shield on. I was thinking "What is that for?"... and then I found out the answer.

I think it's true what they say, that once you see your newborn baby... you absolutely fall in love all over again. Your heart simply melts with joy and excitement. I know I did with Braden. Karen did as well.

Unfortunately, not every story has a happy ending. Because Braden was born extremely premature, his chances of survival were pretty slim. His body was simply underdeveloped. Karen and I hoped for a miracle, but it was just not to be. Braden passed away after putting up a good week-long fight.

It's hard to believe that was one year ago. The moment seems like yesterday. Yet at the same time, the year seems like it has been endless. I realize those statements make no logical sense. For me, not a lot makes sense any more. I sometimes wonder if things ever will make sense again in my mind.

The only thing that I am certain of is that I love Braden. I wish I could celebrate my son's birthday like any normal father... but I suck at celebrating my son's birthday. Instead of buying my son presents, I can only imagine what if.

Heck, I cannot even do something asinine like update a Facebook status to tell everyone in the world what my son is doing, because I do not know what he is doing... not that other people would really care what my son is doing.

Needless to say, Karen and I celebrated Braden's birthday at the cemetery. We brought him a little Elmo "Happy Birthday" balloon and some ice cream. I know it's not much. I just hope he enjoyed it.

Anyway, happy birthday Braden, my little B! Daddy misses you and will always love you. Please do not forget that.

I Suck At Visiting The Cemetery

yesterday, i was still feeling a little down in the dumps. for some reason, i have been having constant thoughts about my son (braden) who passed away in september of last year. truth be told, my wild mood swings irk me. i know when my mood is changing, yet i can't seem to do anything about reversing the feeling.

i just hope my mood improves next week when the photo scavenger hunt that i am organizing finally takes place. i have been planning a photo scavenger hunt with a bunch of friends. needless to say, the planning has stressed me out at times because i simply want everything to go without and hitch and hope everyone has fun.

anyway, karen went to correct case studies at my friend's (hot amy) place for the class that both of them are teaching at simmons college. so while karen was out, i decided to take my mind off things by working on the house. for anyone curious, i was installing molding around the sliding door on our first floor. the installation actually went quicker than expected (probably because i was only installing the inside molding). sure, i had the frustration of noticing our cracked walls... but it was nothing a little tape and joint compound couldn't take care of.

having finished pretty early, i decided to get out and enjoy the nice weather. so, i did what any normal person who has not exercised in quite some time done: i went running. sadly, i only ran one mile... as my stomach began to cramp... proof that i should have been a little more hydrated before deciding to run.

needless to say, i thought the running would clear my mind. it didn't. so, i decided to walk to the cemetery where braden is buried. now i suck visiting the cemetery. lucky for me, braden is buried not too far from where i live so i can visit him at any time with ease.

when i went to the cemetery, i had the pleasure of meeting a relative (sheila) to one of braden's neighbors. sheila had just arrived at the cemetery as well (although she drove). perhaps it was coincidence that we were both there at the same time... or maybe there was a reason for it. but, it was nice meeting with sheila.

i actually started to break down talking to sheila because she had asked who i was visiting. as it turned out, sheila also lost a son named michael. it still amazes me how many people i find who have lost children. anyway, shiela told me a story about how her husband, a state trooper, was in a high speed car accident that sent him flying 60 feet. by all logical accounts, he should not have made it out alive. yet, he remarkably was all right. sheila attributed his survival to the fact that her son michael was watching over her husband.

needless to say, it was a nice comforting story. after telling me that things would get better for me, sheila left. i thanked her of course. as she drove away, i basically sat at the foot of braden's flat marker. i actually sat there for quite some time just thinking about my son.

I Suck At Memorial Mass

sundays are usually the day of rest. sadly, family get-togethers never really seem to be restful. in fact, i jokingly use the term "rigamarole" quite often when it comes to karen's extended family. after all, i had never heard of the actual word of "rigamarole" up until i started hanging out with karen's extended family. so it only seems fitting that i use "rigamarole" when it comes to karen's family.

anyway, today was the memorial mass for karen's grandfather who had passed away quite some time ago. too bad i suck at memorial mass. i have never been religious (as evident from the fact that i still have what is known as "original sin" in the christian world), but i attend the mass because i know it is important to those who knew karen's grandfather. interestingly enough, i have attended more memorial masses for karen's grandfather than some actual family members who really knew karen's grandfather. i find that a little peculiar, but that's just my opinion. i also find it peculiar that i generally know when to stand up and when to sit down... and what people usually repeat and say... just from my limited exposure to going to church. that's scary.

in the past, karen's grandfather's memorial mass was always held on super bowl sunday. this year, however, things were different. for anyone curious, a memorial mass... from what i can tell (and don't take my word on it because i'm not religious)... is a regular church mass given in the name of a past loved one. the family of that past loved one brings up "gifts" to the altar during the consecration... the part where the host and wine become christ's body and blood respectively.

in addition to not being on super bowl sunday this year, the memorial mass this year included the name of my son (braden michael) who was born and passed away in september of last year. as the mass was also for braden, karen's mother thought it would be good to have us choose the bearers of the gifts this year. after a little... rigamarole... we ended up choosing my favorite brother-in-law (pj) and karen's cousin from lowell (tommy).

anyway, it was a nice mass even if the church misspelled braden's name in the church bulletin. i think karen's family were moved by the mass. truth be told, i did not want to have a memorial mass for braden at the same time as karen's grandfather. (heck, i didn't even want a memorial mass for braden at all. original sin, remember?) to me, the addition of braden takes away from the memorial for karen's grandfather. after all, the memorial mass is about and has always been about karen's grandfather. as cold as this sounds, the month of february holds no significance for braden. so adding braden's name to the mass only takes away from karen's grandfather's mass. that is not to say, however, that i am not grateful or thankful that karen's family thought to include braden's name. i did appreciate it and i understand why they wanted to include braden. karen's family wanted to remember my son as well, and i am touched that i have such a great family.

after the mass, karen's extended family went to karen's grandmother's house to continue honoring karen's grandfather. this is generally where the rigamarole starts because there are a large number of people within a confined area. this year, in particular, things are a little more chaotic because there were conversations about karen's grandmother and the future of her care. (karen's grandmother is currently in a nursing home after experiencing a blood clot in her brain.) and as the general saying goes... there are too many cooks in the kitchen. everyone has their own opinion about what to do.

and for me, i don't really need the rigamarole. since braden passed away, my life has been crazy enough... with my fickle mood swings and all. the rigamarole surrounding karen's grandmother will only add to the craziness. so it's definitely one topic i want nothing to do with. i just hope everything turns out well in the end for my extended family.

I Suck At The Evergreen Memorial Ceremony

yesterday was a special day for karen and i. yesterday was the unveiling of the evergreen leaves at south shore hospital. for anyone curious, the evergreen memorial ceremony honors the memory of a loved one by adding the loved ones name to its tree of life which is located in the main entrance of the hospital. too bad i suck at the evergreen memorial ceremony.

before i forget, i want to thank all of our family and friends who have supported us since our son (braden) passed away in september. and actually, the evergreen memorial ceremony would not even have been possible for karen and i were it not for the generous contributions of everyone that we know. the stipulations to even be on the tree of life is a donation of at $1000 to the hospital, to which the name will remain on the tree for five years. so thank you everyone. it has been greatly appreciated.

(pictured below is braden's leaf.)


for anyone curious, i actually think braden's leaf is located in a nice spot. his leaf is near the exit door. not that i plan on hanging out at the hospital a lot, but if i did... it's nice to know that i can look up and see his name there.

anyway, the evergreen memorial ceremony was nice. when karen and i first arrived for the ceremony, we saw karen's parents and my favorite sister-in-law's (janine) family waiting for us. (unfortunately, my parents could not attend because they were preparing to have all of us over for dinner to celebrate the chinese new year.) apparently, my niece (kaleigh) had a present for us. well... it was more like a present for karen. kaleigh came over and immediately gave karen a bouquet of flowers. it was nice.

from there, we went to look for braden's leaf. interestingly enough, as we were looking for braden's leaf, we were approached by one of the trustees in charge of the evergreen memorial ceremony. she (barbara) immediately knew who we were and wanted to thank us for coming. granted, i suppose it probably is not too hard to pick out who braden's parents are at the ceremony because of my last name... and the lack of other asian sounding last names attending the ceremony. nonetheless, it was a little surprising to be "known". it is almost like karen and i are rockstars in the south shore hospital world.

anyway, after finding braden's leaf, all of us headed for the ceremony itself. the ceremony included some spiritual readings followed by the announcing of names to be remembered. it was very nicely done. whenever a name was announced, the evergreen society asked for the family members to stand up... to which they gave them a little present. the present is a little pewter trinket of a tree with some inspirational message. as well, they gave forget-me-not seeds to plant in the loved one's memory. all in all, it was a touching surprise.

following the reading of names, the evergreen society asked if anyone wanted to share stories or anything about their loved ones. in general, that's usually one of the tougher parts because watching others grieve can be heartbreaking. heck, i had to hold back the tears even before the ceremony started because i kept thinking about little braden. luckily, i was composed enough to make it through the ceremony.

needless to say, i did not share any stories about braden. if i thought i could remain composed enough for everyone, i probably would have said something along the lines of the following:

september of last year was the best... and worst month that i have ever had. my son, braden michael, came into this world in september. he weighed in at a whopping 1.7 pounds. as quick as he entered this world, he quickly left this world after a week. although i will never be able to raise him and experience the things that fathers and sons can experience together, i can only hope that in that time he was here that he knew his mommy and daddy were there for him... that they loved him... that they will always love him... and that they still miss him very dearly.

since yesterday, i have had feelings of regret for not saying anything in braden's name. perhaps that is why i am writing it now. it was also cute because my nephew (pj) wanted to say something too in braden's name, but he didn't as well.

anyway, near the end of the ceremony, karen and i were approached by another trustee (jennifer) of the evergreen society. apparently, they wanted to take our picture for the hospital. again, it was a weird feeling to know that they wanted to take our picture. we actually joked the picture was for diversity reasons. nonetheless, we obliged. so perhaps some day, people all over the south shore will see all of us on the cover of some south shore hospital publication... which actually would be nice so long as braden's name is on the publication. it would be like showing him off to the world... my son... little b... braden.

I Suck At Attending A Service For Remembrance

last night, karen's parents, karen, and i went to the old south union church in weymouth. the church is directly across from the south shore hospital, which where my son (braden michael) was born... and passed.

anyway, the old south union church was having a service for remembrance for those who have lost their children... whether it was from extreme prematurity, being still born, having cancer, car accident... whatever the reason. too bad i suck at attending a service for remembrance.

karen and i actually received an invitation in the mail about the service. the service for remembrance (and hope... as it is officially known as) has been going on for the past 15 years. (last night was the 16th annual service.) apparently, south shore hospital works in conjunction with the old south church to offer the service for families who have lost their children. in my opinion, it is a very nice thing to offer families as they attempt to cope with the loss of a child. it is comforting to know that the south shore hospital recognizes the grieving process and that they don't simply forget about you when you leave the hospital.

as for the service itself, the service was nice. the service is non-denomination... but the obvious emphasis is a belief in god. for anyone who knows me, they would know i am not much for believing in god. heck, i still have original sin. even if i were to believe in god, i would probably not be his most ardent fan right now with the loss of my son, braden. (if you have ever seen the movie "dracula" with gary oldman... picture the scene where gary oldman first becomes the creature of the night. i believe he asks why god has forsaken him. thus, if i were to believe in god, that is probably how i would feel right now. luckily, i have not been turned into a vampire yet.)

anyway, i wasn't much for the faith-based service. the part of the service i did enjoy, however, was the telling of personal stories by some families who had lost their respective children. one woman read a poem that she wrote and gave to her husband on father's day. their child was unfortunately stillborn. the poem was through the child's perspective and about even though they never really met, the child knew his father loved him by hearing the stories he read to her belly and things like that.

there was another personal story involving a woman and her second child. the first child unfortunately passed away. for school, the second child had to do a family tree for an assignment. the child then had a dilemma about whether to include her sister on the family tree or not. she did not want people to feel sad should they see the family tree and inquire about her lost sister. it was touching. (she eventually did put her sister on the family tree.)

afterwards, we got to hear braden's name read aloud as he was remembered during the service. all in all, it was a good service. the night was definitely harder than i expected because all those thoughts i had three months ago when everything was happening was brought to the forefront... probably because in my mind, the service was for braden and just seeing the familiar faces from south shore hospital reminded me of my time with braden in the neonatal intensive care unit.

but after yesterday, i've come to realize that my fear is unfounded. i don't know why i even thought of it in the first place... because i will never forget about braden.

I Suck At Ordering Jewelry

two months ago, i posted that i wore a medical bracelet that was issued to karen and me when my son (braden michael) was born. in my efforts to never forget about my late son who shortly passed away after birth, i wore the medical bracelet until finally... the bracelet snapped.

i had debated about how i would remember braden since that moment. i thought about getting another bracelet. there were even suggestions for tattoos from some of my friends. (i would like to thank everyone again who suggested ideas. i really do appreciate it.) in the end, i decided on a simple charm with braden's footprint etched on it. his name is also engraved on the back of the charm.

(pictured below is the charm with braden's footprint.)


anyway, karen and i had to order the charm. (karen ordered a ring for herself with braden's footprints engraved around the ring... as though braden were walking around the ring.) well, today the jewelry finally arrived. it's too bad i suck at ordering jewelry. in typical fashion... because nothing seems to go according to plan these days... part of the jewelry order was missing. the piece of jewelry that my parents ordered did not come in. so obviously, there is the headache of tracking that down to figure out what had happened with that order.

i should not be surprised... after all... very little has been easy in the past months. aside from that, however, i am quite happy to have my charm. i feel like i can fiddle around with the charm forever. (i'm actually playing with it now as i type this.) i guess you could say it is just my way of playing with my son since i won't really have that opportunity in life.

I Suck At Visiting The Cemetery

today, karen and i visited my son (braden michael) in the cemetery. it's too bad i suck at visiting the cemetery.

anyway, braden would have been three months old on this day had he survived. happy 3-month birthday braden! i still wish you were here with karen and i. unfortunately, i have to keep telling myself that it was not meant to be... for some reason that i will probably never ever come to know. so instead of experiencing the joys of fatherhood during the past three months, i get to experience the joys of self-doubt and have thoughts about the dreams that will never happen for my son. it sounds like an even trade-off... i guess.

the good news, however, is that braden's flat marker was finally installed... just in time for his three month birthday. i know a flat marker is not exactly the most thrilling item to get excited over.

(pictured below is the flat marker for braden.)


i am quite pleased with the flat marker (and with quincy memorials in general). both karen and i were actually surprised on the size of the marker as it is noticeably larger than the other surrounding flat markers at the cemetery. i'm sure there is some irony there because braden was a tiny little guy who weighed the same amount as a stick of butter. so to have a flat marker that is larger than the other markers at the cemetery is quite interesting.

karen loves the winnie the pooh engraving. she was very happy when she knew quincy memorials could engrave winnie the pooh on the flat marker. in fact, she even thought about having a family disney theme for our flat markers. (i'll let whoever deal with that when i pass away.)

anyway, we both thought that winnie the pooh was appropriate for braden. in addition to being karen's favorite disney character, winnie the pooh was going to be the theme for braden's room. obviously, we never finished braden's room, but it would have been a nice theme for him had he survived.

when karen and i saw the image of winnie the pooh holding the three balloons from the books and books of images we could have quincy memorials engrave from, we immediately knew that the pooh image was what we wanted on braden's marker. karen liked how the three balloons could represent the three of us: braden, karen and i. i also liked the symbolism of pooh flying up into the clouds. (i believe the scene that features winnie the pooh with the three balloons has him float away into the sky.)

as for the "little b" on the marker, that was a result of something that started while at the neonatal intensive care unit. if you could have seen braden when he was alive, you would have seen how tiny he was. (again, he weighed the same as a stick of butter.) in fact, braden's entire arm could fit through my wedding ring... which we have pictures of. needless to say, i just started referring to braden as "little b" and it sort of stuck. he was so gosh darn cute.

anyway, happy three month birthday braden! i hope you like the flat marker. please remember that daddy loves you.

I Suck At Visiting The Cemetery

on friday, my son (braden) had some unexpected company.

my mother came down for a visit on friday. she was required to take an online training course for her work. the only problem... my mother does not have access to the internet. (well, technically she does. she still has a dial up connection on her home computer, but she rarely goes on the internet.)

because the online training course had streaming video, my mother could not exactly take the course at her house. thus, i asked my mom if she wanted to come over and use my computer. and so, she came over after work on friday.

before she started the training course, however, my mom and i went to visit braden at the cemetery. now i suck at visiting the cemetery. all right... perhaps i don't really. in the mornings, i say "hello and good morning" to my son as i pass by the cemetery on my way to work (or on my way to drop off karen at work). i also try to go inside the cemetery as often as i can. i'm hoping some day things will get easier when i visit braden because i still miss him a lot.

but i suppose i should consider myself somewhat lucky. some people don't even get the chance to even meet their son, if only for a week. i think the holidays are definitely going to be hard this year.

anyway, the unexpected visitors at braden's grave site were not my mom or i... the unexpected visitors were wild turkeys (and i don't mean a bunch of drunk guys at the bar). nope, i mean... wild... with feathers and a throat wattle... turkeys.

(pictured below is one of the turkeys at braden's site.)


my mom counted at least six of them. it was wild... literally. i was actually hesitant to get out of the car at first because i was not sure if wild turkeys attacked or not. after all, i didn't want to star in the next "when turkeys attack" video or something like that. my mom, on the other hand, had no problem. she was all smiles and in awe... and she hopped right out of the car.

when we approached braden's site, the turkeys calmly walked away. it was nice that the turkeys came to visit my son. i almost felt like they were there to wish him a happy thanksgiving. of course, i could just be crazy. but seeing the turkeys there was very nice. the sight made me think that turkeys wanted to kick off the holidays with my son. so maybe this holiday season won't be so bad. i don't know.

as an added bonus, the family headstone was installed on the plot. i realize it seems very odd to get excited over a headstone. i'm just glad the headstone was installed before the winter season... and the snow... and all that. the company that installed the headstone (quincy memorials) wanted to have the headstone in place for us before thanksgiving. i thought that was very nice of them. quincy memorials, however, did not have enough time to finish braden's marker yet. so, we're still waiting on that. but i must say, braden's site is starting to come around.